March 1, 2011

Charlie Sheen's just screwing with us.

So the star of Hot Shots! and Hot Shots! Part Deux, due to either rampant drug use or mind-destroying sexually transmitted diseases, has apparently gone insane.

And with that insanity has come overwhelming amounts of Internet-themed fame. Soundboards. T-shirts. Amazing artistic renderings. It seems like half the world is demanding that we ignore Charlie Sheen's ramblings and get him some help, but the other half can't wait to see what else happens before his fire-breathing fists consume us all.

Well, I don't buy it.

I don't believe that Charlie Sheen is coked out of his mind in all of these interviews. I don't believe that, like Napoleon before him, syphilis is currently rotting Charlie's brain.

I think Charlie Sheen is, to a certain extent, screwing with us. I think that he's pulling a "Joaquin Phoenix from I'm Still Here," except that he's doing a non-shitty job. I think he's performing a pop-culture experiment the likes of which James Franco can only dream about.

He's obviously ingested a ton of drugs in his life, and he might be a teeny bit detached from reality. But everything he's said and done so far has been way too calculated to be the product of madness. And way too hilarious. Calling Thomas Jefferson a "pussy"? That's the star of Major League II at work, not narcotics.

I still love all this, though. Much like Keyboard Cat or Sad Keanu, the Internet needs new memes in order to survive. They're all funny for a week, and then you forget they even existed. This week's offering to the gods is Charlie Sheen.

So I guess when Charlie dies in two weeks and everyone says that we ignored the warning signs, well, I'll admit that I was wrong. But I personally think Charlie Sheen is, miraculously, going to come out of this just fine. All the Two and a Half Men fans might not get their show back, but hey, I think Major League III is still a distinct possibility.

For now, though, let's all kick back and live the Sheen dream.

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